"Sexual orientation"

After taking a lot of time (I just made this up right now actually) I've translated what these dumb guys "say" and what they "mean" when you ask for their sexual orientation:

If they say "I don't like labels"
They either mean "I'm a complete fucking faggot but I don't like the culture" or "I'm totally straight but since you're tipping me I'll give some vague hippy answer that's totally acceptable in diahrrea cultures like Los Angeles and Miami"

If they say "Well...I'm whatever you want me to be *smiles*"
They mean "I'm straight but if you buy me enough drinks I'll let you fuck me if you have enough money. I take VISA."

If they say "People can say whatever they want about me but I don't consider myself one way or the other"
They mean "I'm giving you an ideal breakthrough in understanding the concept of sexual orientation when it's really just me passively rejecting you. However, if I were black, asian, or hispanic, I totally would've given you a straight forward answer."

It's a simple answer folks, you're either straight, bisexual, homosexual, chulosexual (attracted to only Latinos), ricesexual (attracted to only Asians), gay-for-pay/bi-curious, or shut the fuck up and don't give some vague answer because it's not amusing and not increasing my chances of getting laid.

Thanks.